


Ship to wreck

by Ossia



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-10
Updated: 2016-06-10
Packaged: 2018-07-14 06:06:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7156595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ossia/pseuds/Ossia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The song which Tooru sings is “Ship to wreck” from the album “How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful” by Florence + The Machine.</p></blockquote>





	Ship to wreck

First University year.  
A new start.  
New professors, new classmates, new volleyball team: a whole new life spreading before my eyes.  
The one thing that didn't change was Iwaizumi being with me. And I was glad about that.

When we parted at the Graduation ceremony he told me he was going to leave Japan and go study in America, thanks to a scholarship he had won. We hugged as tears fell down our cheeks and wished each other the best of luck.  
I wasn't ready to start anew, on my own, with no one by my side so when he called me and said he wasn't going to leave anymore and that he'd go to university with me, I was the happiest person on Earth.

Introducing ourselves to our classmates as we waited for the lesson to start; and then having lunch, sitting on the grass under a tree; and then again walking home side by side before wishing goodnight and going to our respective flats. (Iwa's flat was on third floor of a seven-floored building; while I was living in a small house that my parents rented for me, opposite Iwa's building. Although I asked him several times to come live with me, he would always say: "Nah, it's fine like that. Leave it alone"; and then put on a fake smile, so I just let it be.)

Everything seemed to be just like in highschool. Well, almost everything.

One thing that changed was Iwa's skill as a volleyball player. He had improved so much that when I first saw him playing during the club selections I was speechless; and when he came at me after speaking with the coach and said he was in team too, I jumped and wrapped my legs around his waist, screaming like a fourteen-years-old girl after her father bought her a pony.  
As that wasn't enough, Iwa-chan soon became the "secret crush" of many cute girls (which made me both jealous and happy, and also gave me the chance to mock him with jokes that always ended with me being /lovely/ punched on the head). As for me, well... I was the crush of not only cute girls; but also of most of the guys (homo and "straight"), which went to my head. I literally felt like the world was at my feet; like I could do everything... and everyone as well.

That said, our life as undergraduates was doing great and it seemed to go even better after the Halloween party.  
I was so excited about our first party that I felt the urge to call Hajime, hoping that he'd calm me down:  
"Iwa-chan! Iwa-chan! You ready for the party?"  
"Uhm... Well, actually..."  
"Hm? What? 's everything okay?"  
"Yeah, it's just... I'm not going to the party..."  
"B-but that's our first party since we started university! You can't miss it!"  
"I know but I have a test on Friday, so... Y'know... I'm sorry..."  
".... Hm, got it. See ya."  
"Oikawa, I'm s-"

And then I shut the call down and went to party.

As soon as I arrived at the party, the guy who was giving it (which tried hitting on me) noticed I was alone and introduced me to some friends of his:

"Uhm... Hi! I'm Oikawa Tooru, nice to meet you."  
"Yeah, we already know you little princess."  
"Where's your knight? Did he leave you alone?"  
"He's NOT my knight, but I sure am a fucking Queen you peasants."

They all looked at me like I was a defenceless deer amongst a pack; all of them except one, who stared at me with blue-ice eyes and mimicked "I'm sorry" with his lips as I was leaving that bunch of ass-heads.  
I sat on a settee in a corner where none would notice me, then typed a message that said "This party sucks. Wish you were here" and sent it; as I did so a pair of strong hands fell before my eyes like a curtain at the end of a spectacle. I suddenly turned around hoping to see Hajime, but it was not. Instead, at first, all I could see was a pair of blue irises and a sneaky smile. When my weary eyes focused on the new face, I eventually understood it was the guy from before.

"Hey, are you okay? You look... bewildered?"  
I shook my head: "I'm fine, thanks."  
"Glad to hear that!" he said as he sat next to me. "You know... I wanted to apologise for my friend's behaviour. They can be a bunch of ass." He chuckled and stretched his hand out to reach the table and take two bottles of beer, handing one over to me.  
"Yeah, I can tell that." I said, taking a sip of the bitter drink. "You don't have to apologise on their behalf though. I don't care about them."  
"Really? It's just... You seemed sad so I thought it was their fault"  
"What? No, it's not because of them."  
"So what is it? It's because you're boyfriend didn't come to the party?"  
"He's not my boyfriend. Just friends. I'm single."  
"Uh-uh. Well that's a nice surprise~"  
"What? We just met and you're already hitting on me? I don't even know your name."  
"Ugh. You got me. Name's Tatsuo, pleased to meet you!" he said and took my hand in his own, gently kissing it.  
"That was soooo lame!" It was, but somehow I liked it. "Tatsuo-kun, huh? I'm Tooru, Oikawa Tooru. But I guess you already know my name."  
"Aye, fucking queen!"  
"Hahaha! And now you got me."

So I spent that night talking to him and drinking beer and other strange alcoholics, ending up so drunk that the following morning I could barely remember my name. “Fortunately“ seeing Tatsuo and me naked in my bed cleared up my mind. I was so upset that I woke him up and kicked him out without giving him the time to dress up first.

All I needed was a cold shower and Iwa-chan's cuddles.

I took the shower and then ran to Iwa's flat, knocking at his door as soon as I was in front of it. No answer.  
I knocked again, but still nothing.  
I was going to knock a third time but the sound of a door being unlocked stopped me. Iwa's sleepy face came out.

"Who's there?"  
"Iwa-chaaaan!" I wailed as I put my arms around his neck "Something terrible happened! I was at the party and-"  
"Who is at the door, Hajime-kun?"

I raised my head from where it was laying on Iwa's shoulder and stared at the figure of the half-naked girl that stepped in the kitchen.  
I slowly let go of him, my arms falling along my body and blood running down my bottom lip where I unconsciously bit it.

"Iwa... chan..?"

His puzzled expression hurt me like a punch in the guts.  
I ran down the stairs cursing myself for what I had done. It was so stupid of me to react like that. I knew that the day when he'd find a girlfriend would have come, so why did I run away like that? Why did I feel like my head, my heart, my stomach, my very self was being sucked down an endless blackhole?

When I came back home I went to the bathroom and threw up everything I had swallowed the day before and as that disgusting load left my stomach something else filled it up.  
Anger.  
I was angry.  
Fucking angry.  
With myself, with Hajime, with that girl, with Tatsuo-

Oh right, Tatsuo.  
I called him right away.

"Hey."  
"Hey, what's up?"  
"Listen, I... I just wanted to apologise. I was confused and all so-"  
"Never mind, I'm not mad at you. I feel you, tbh. We were both drunk."

A chuckle.

"Yep, you're right. So... Do you wanna come over tonight?"  
"Hold on, lemme check my agenda..."  
"Imma hang up in three... two... on-"  
"Wait, wait! I'll come for sure! Need something?"  
"I cook. Just bring some alcoholic drinks."  
"Got it, milady."  
"I hate you."  
"No you don't."

We laughed and then hung up.  
He wasn't that bad, after all.

He came that night, and the night after that, and the night after, and so on. We had fun. We would talk, and laugh, and play some stupid nerdy games, and have sex and sometimes get drunk.  
I loved his eyes. They where so cold and yet so deep and being watched by those eyes made me feel just like I felt that day at Hajime's place. It was a self-inflicted curse. A sweet, sweet, painful curse.

Christmas holidays would eventually come, but that's when something fell out of place. Tatsuo said he loved me, that he wanted me to be his boyfriend and not just his sex-friend; but I couldn't handle it so I just kicked him out.

With Tatsuo gone I had to find something else that would make me feel the same way as that day, as Tatsuo's eyes; and that something happened to be strong drink.

So I got caught in an endless circle: hang out-get drunk-have sex with some random guy(s)-come back home and throw up. Night after night.  
My grades dropped and I also started skipping volleyball practice.  
Iwa called me several times, sent me lots of messages, but he never showed up at my door.

One night I was going back home (I was tipsy) and decided to walk a different road which wound alongside a river. I jumped on the riverbank and walked on it, keeping a precarious balance as I hummed the refrain of what was my favourite song.

“And oh, my love remind me  
What was it that I said?  
I can't help but pull the earth around me  
To make my bed”

A little pause as I span around three times and holy fuck I don't know what God saved me from slipping and falling into the river.

“And oh, my love remind me  
What was it that I did?  
Did I drink too much?  
Am I losing touch?  
Did I build a ship to wreck?”

And that's where I started laughing 'cause it was so fucking funny and ironical to sing that song while being drunk.  
Then I fell on my knees, helping myself with my hands in order not to fall from the riverbank, and then pretended to play a guitar as I picked up where I left off the song.

“To wreeeeeck  
To wreeeeeeeck  
To wreeeeeck  
Did I build this ship to wreck?”

I shook my head up and down, right and left and down and left and down again and up and left and then right and then down, up, left, up, right, up, left, up and then I lost my balance.

All I could think was "Fuck" and then I shut my eyes and held my breath before the impact.  
A thud.  
I slowly opened my eyes and drew a sigh of relief as I realised I fell on the pavement and not in the river.

As I was laying down I looked at the sky. It was so beautiful it hurt my eyes, which became blurry because of the tears that started running down my face.  
But I still kept on singing.  
I put an arm on my eyes and raised one towards the sky.  
My favourite part.

“And good God,  
Under starry skies we are lost,  
Into the breach we got tossed,  
And water's coming in...-”

But my voice cracked before I could finish the phrase and I just started crying like a four-years-old child who lost his mother.

While I was laying down, crying shamelessly, a strong hand grabbed my wrist, which was still pointed to the sky.

"You're a pretty good singer, ya know?"

That voice.  
I opened my eyes and saw it.  
Those eyes.  
That smile.

Tatsuo.

I sat up and pulled him down, hugging him with as much strength as I could. He hugged me back and kissed my forehead, passing his hand through my hair.

"You're bleeding" he said "I'll take you to the hospital."  
"No, I just want to go home"

I stood up but my head hurt so much I almost fell down again. Tatsuo sadly stared at me with those eyes of his (that glance felt like a stab in the stomach) and the nodded slowly.

"Alright. But I'll carry you, 'kay?"  
"Yessir!"

I said to make him laugh, but he didn't.

When we arrived in front of my home's door he made me sit on the steps and searched my pockets to find the keys.  
As he was opening the door a vamp of heat overwhelmed me so I started undressing. When Tatsuo turned around and saw my bare chest he sighed.

"The fuck are you doing? There are like 9 degrees centigrade here. It's January. Put your sweater on."  
"What? No way. It's soooo hot. You should undress too." and as I said so I unbuttoned his jeans.  
"Stop that, Tooru. Put your sweater on."

I refused so he tried to force me and I started screaming.

"I said NO! Fuck off and leave me alone"  
"Don't act so childish! You'll catch a cold. And would you please stop yelling? You'll wake up the neighb-"

But Tatsuo's voice just dropped as he fell down on his knees, barely breathing as something had hit him right in the stomach.  
It was a kick. Yeah. Someone kicked him in the stomach.  
I looked at the figure standing before me and it took me a while to recognise him.  
Hajime.

"Don't you dare touch him ever again, you fucking piece of shit. Get it?"

And then another kick forced Tatsuo to the ground as he coughed out blood.

"Haji- Hajime, stop..."

But he just kept on kicking him while Tatsuo's blue eyes begged me for help.

I stood up and slapped Iwa's face.

"STOP IT RIGHT NOW YOU ASSHOLE."

He turned to me and stared with weary eyes reaching for my face with his hand, but I drew back.

"O-Oikawa... What- He... He was going to rape you. He... He's the asshole. Why...?"  
"He wasn't doing anything like that! He was just trying to dress me up. He found me laying on the street and carried me home."  
"But... I... Why didn't you call me?"  
"It's been a while since I last saw you. And you seemed pretty busy with that girl back there."  
"What? She didn't mean anything to me... I just had sex with her because..."

A long pause.

"Because... What? Just talk already! You've been acting weird since we started university. What's the matter? Just tell me."  
"... Do you remember that night? When you went to that Halloween party? I decided not to go but when I read the message you sent me I changed my mind. I looked for you and when I finally find ya... You were kissing that guy. I was so mad at you and all I wanted was to forget about what I had seen, so I took the first good-looking girl I met and seduced her."

As I heard the story I didn't know whether I should cry or laugh, all I knew was that my head hurt like hell so I sat back on the stairs next to a wailing Tatsuo, that eventually stopped coughing and went back home after promising not to denounce Hajime, as the latter kept apologising until Tatsuo's figure disappeared in the night.

He sat next to me and I laid my head on his shoulder, closing my eyes.

"Why? Why did you do that?"  
"What?"  
"Why did you feel the urge to have sex with a random girl? Did the sight of two guys kissing disgust you?"  
"... No. Not at all."  
"Then w-"  
"Because it was you. Because you were kissing a guy."  
"Hajime..."  
"You wanna know why I've been distancing myself from you?"  
"... Hm."  
"Because I...  
Because every time you laugh my mind whites out and your laughter echoes through my head; because every time I look you in the eyes I'm mesmerised; because your touch burns my skin and wakes a sleeping beast that scratches my chest in order to come out and patronise you; because your lips (remember that time when we accidentally kissed? It wasn't an accident.) oh, your lips... They feel like the bitterest poison that would slowly kill me from the inside and yet they're like the most addictive drug that a drug-addict could ever wish for.  
That's why I distanced myself. Because I love you so much I'm afraid that this very love of mine would kill you."

I was just... speechless.  
And moved, overall.  
I never expected such words to come out of Iwa's mouth.  
An embarrassed silence fell between us and as Hajime buried his face in his legs I thought about all the years we had spent together. All the little gestures, all the late-night talks, all the smiling and the gazing; everything made sense.  
He loved me for all these years and I was such a blind fool not to notice that. To think it could have been so fucking easy instead of fucking messed up. But it didn't matter. Not anymore.

"Hajime." I whispered in his ear.

He raised his head, looking me in the eyes.

"Hm...?"  
"It's fine with me..."  
A kiss on the cheek  
"....if your are..."  
A kiss on the forehead  
"...the one..."  
A kiss on the nose  
"...who wrecks me."  
Two lips, brushing against each other as gently as a leaf falling on a stretch of water.  
A kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> The song which Tooru sings is “Ship to wreck” from the album “How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful” by Florence + The Machine.


End file.
